Memoirs of an ex-pat. And her complete social failure that led to collapse.

I have written about my mental health journey over the last year, mostly focused on how I have addressed it. Never really touching that much about what caused it. This is intentional as I have started learning to embrace some fundamental teachings of the Buddha: "Letting Go" and "Living in the Present". The one post … Continue reading Memoirs of an ex-pat. And her complete social failure that led to collapse.

Every f**k-up has a silver lining. It just takes practice to see them.

This is the continuation of my previous post: Learn to be happy – and to share your happiness! It is OK… But truth be told it wasn't all Luther's fault. I was too busy being happy as well. I didn't need to write to process issues or struggles, or to stay happy/calm/sane. But I missed … Continue reading Every f**k-up has a silver lining. It just takes practice to see them.

Learn to be happy – and to share your happiness! It is OK…

It's interesting, isn't it, that since I found "happiness" I don't write anymore? Or at least I haven't written in a while. Not for lack of starting blog posts - quite a few actually, over the last 3-4 months - most of them in my head but some of them also on paper. Or on … Continue reading Learn to be happy – and to share your happiness! It is OK…

I’d rather be happy than high….

I haven't been this happy in a long, long time. I used to be afraid of addressing my depression, because I liked my highs more than I detested my lows. Or at least I thought I did. I thought (or told myself as a means to avoid dealing?) that if I'd address and get rid … Continue reading I’d rather be happy than high….

It’s time to buy the ticket and take the ride!

For those of you who've been following me for a while, you know that I usually refer to myself as a recovering Lutheran, or a "good girl" in recovery. Simply because my entire life (all of my first 41 1/2 years at least) I have always made decisions based on what I "should" be doing. … Continue reading It’s time to buy the ticket and take the ride!

自我反映(十四)——觉知 / Self-Reflection (14) – Awareness

This is a great post – I love the honesty – and I can very much relate. It seems the work on self-improvement in regards to myself and my own person has progressed a lot more and faster, than my “mindfulness” in regards to others. This is something I am now starting to shift more of my self-improvement efforts and focus toward – and this blog post was a great inspiration. It is very nice to see that you are not alone with specific struggles. It makes it that little bit easier to admit and acknowledge your weakness, which is fundamental for being able to address them….

放飞思绪

English version below……


每一次看到他的信息在群里出现,我便会情不自禁地感觉一阵恶心,心头更会涌上一股莫名的鄙视,很想回复一条嘲讽的短言。

事实上,我也曾无数次地让自己的潜意识主控了我,与另一名同事在暗地里把他的言行举止当做玩笑来开。

可是今天,当看到他在群里的短信,虽然仍感到恶心,只是对于自己的思想有了更多的觉知。

这些日子里,我尽量在这种负面情绪升起的时候,让自己的念头停在那一刻,观察着自己的情绪,想要找出究竟他的一言一语是哪里触犯了我的忌讳。

由始至终,我都找不出为何对他那么讨厌。不论是他的一句话,还是一个举动,甚或是一个念头,我都会感到无比的厌恶。或许有人会认为我对他拥有太多的偏见,但在我的旁敲侧击,擦言观色之下,事实摆明他的行为并不受人欢迎。尤其是不愿虚与委蛇或是阳奉阴违的我,反应更是显得极度的强烈。

想了许久,我最终只能归咎于我和他之间这几年来的接触,都让我感到极度的鄙视。

可是,虽然我做到了当知当觉,已经能够看清并克制自己的情绪,为何却做不到眼不见为净呢?

如今的我的觉知,真要归功于我这两个月持之以恒的打坐与冥想,更懂得了如何以正念去关照自己每时每刻的身理与心里的变化。

每一个坐禅,我可以让自己的身心得到更充分的休息;而正念却让我体会活在当下的可贵。

自从懂得了我的喜、怒、哀、乐其实并不是外在的人、事、物所给予的,而是我们自己内心产生的魔障,我不断地往自己的内心去观察,不停地探索,只为了更深切地了解自己,并爱自己。

前阵子我一直在在心里问自己,想着究竟他是哪里让我看着不顺眼,是不是他的一举一动反映了我小时候种下的阴影,还是他间接让我看见我自身的缺点?

于是我尝试把我对他的不满写了下来,以便让自己把实况看得更清楚。

忽然之间,我发现我其实自己实在是很看不起他,很鄙视他,因此而对他的所有作为都感到厌恶,时而还会以小人之心度君子之腹,从没真正的思考他的言行举止是否存有善意。

于是,我对自己说若是有一天我真的能够慈悲地对待他,放下对他的反感,那么我在修行上就真的更上一层楼了。

他,就是我做更好的自己的目标……

31.01.2017

文/林顺源

Whenever I see his messages came into the group chat, I can’t help it but to feel disgusted, and had an urge to make a sarcastic remark about his actions or words.

I have actually done it many times, allowing my subconscious mind to get the better of me. I would joked about his words to another colleague and we will have a laugh at it.

Today, I continue to feel disgusted when his messages came into the group chat, but I am more aware of my own thoughts. Instead of triggering a sarcastic remark to my colleague, I will pause for a moment and reflect upon myself. I will look into my own inner soul and think in great depth, trying hard to find what is it that disgusted…

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Being Alone vs. Being Lonely

  Another blogger that I follow, Mike, posted what he calls a Ramble yesterday about being lonely - it is a great read like and very nicely written so I can highly recommend it btw - and today, as I listened to another one of venerable Ajahn Brahm's dhamma talks, I started thinking about my own loneliness... … Continue reading Being Alone vs. Being Lonely