My life has been such a rollercoaster in the last 2-3 years, spiraling very fast and mostly downward, but in the last 3 months I have decided to face my ghosts and sort myself out and it has already paid off hundredfold. I have written a couple of blog posts about my journey to date and there are many more in my head, yet to be put down on paper, so I won’t go into it in any more detail here and now. I just wanted to share with all of you, how happy I am right now and how lucky I am to have had the support and understanding from so many wonderful friends and family members around the world. My heart is swelling over, with the gratitude I feel for all of you – old friends and new ones – and I just wanted to share that with you, in this very moment of pure joy.
I posted this to FB earlier today because I just felt so happy this morning. My life right now is so good to me and I feel so calm, so balanced and in harmony with my life and myself. It is like all the stars have aligned and I have finally found myself. My heart is filled to the brim, almost running over with pure joy, love and emotions. I was thinking to myself as I walked into the office this morning that “I wish I could take a snapshot of how I feel right now, bottle it up and save it for a rainy day”. So that another day, when I am not feeling so great, I can take that bottle out, have a little sip, and bring myself back to this happy place. So many feelings and thoughts have gone through my heart and my mind today, my brain constantly firing up new ones and all of a sudden it hit me: I can do that! I can write all of these feelings and thoughts down, so when next I am feeling blue, sad, stressed or anxious, I can pull this post out and read those words and I am sure they will help me find my centre again. Bring peace to my restless heart and wandering mind and help me find my way back to this harmonious place…
For the longest time I didn’t realise that my own happiness is all on me. It comes from within and no matter where I go, or how far I run, I won’t be able to leave my troubles behind.
I have been so unhappy for so long, so lonely and so negative about everything. I was on my way to do what I have always done and run away from my problems. I had several wheels in motion to relocate away from here, because I blamed everything that was wrong in my life and my own unhappiness on this place. For the longest time I didn’t realise that my own happiness is all on me. It comes from within and no matter where I go, or how far I run, I won’t be able to leave my troubles behind. Sure, on a conscious level I knew that “you can’t run away from your problems”. I have learned that from the many times I have tried that path. And even though changing things, be it countries, places, jobs or friends, always works at first, while everything is new and shiny, it never works in the long run. Things always catch up with you – especially bad things. But on the emotional plane I still opted to run. To take the path of least resistance and try to find an escape route. I am so glad now that I didn’t. Because this time, for the first time ever, I have faced my demons instead and it is a much better place to be. It is the only way to find true happiness.
I am happy for the first time in longer than I can remember. Genuinely, deeply, truly happy. I am content with where I am and what I do right now. I would not change a thing in my life at this moment! Sure, it would be nice to be a lot closer both in time and in distance, to the people who means the most to me. The ones that I feel most closely connected to. But the beauty of those people and such deep and meaningful relationships is that you have a strong enough bond that you don’t need to be physically close to be there for each other. And even though it is a bit more difficult to pop round and see my “sister” Louise, my Mum, my nieces and nephew, my best friends on a whim, it is far from impossible and I do it several times of year. So why focus on the “cannot’s” and mourn what I can’t do, when I can be grateful instead for what I have and the “can do’s”?
It is only by loving myself, just the way I am, that I can move forward in life, evolve and grow, and finally find happiness. True happiness.
Yes, I am happy here. I need to repeat that because I am as surprised hearing myself say that, as I think you all are hearing it? My life has meaning again and it is all because I have stopped trying to run and hide and because I am focusing on the things and people I have in my life – not the things I don’t or can’t have (at least not right here or right now). I have ridded myself from wanting and desire. I have stopped beating myself up over the past, or worry about the future. I have learnt to let go and live in the present. Because it is right here, in the present, that my future is being defined. I learned this from Ajahn Brahm, a Theravada Buddhist monk who was my very first introduction to the art of meditation, just a few weeks ago. And I keep coming back to this short guided meditation whenever I feel like I am losing that understanding, or when I am starting to feel less anchored and adrift again. This has helped me appreciate life and live my life, instead of spending all of my energy on the life I (think or thought?) I want. But it isn’t just the meditation, or a few words from a wise man, that have made me reach this next level of awareness. I also have some amazing people in my life who have inspired me in their own yet very different ways and contributed to this “enlightenment”. Some of them directly through some very deep and meaningful conversations. And some of them indirectly and unknowingly. But it is my conscious decision to stay and fight, to open up to new things and new ways, that has enabled me to learn from them and draw strength and inspiration from them.
Most of all, it is by finally having found the courage to let myself be vulnerable, and to let others see my vulnerability, that has allowed me to accept and love myself for who I am. I have come to understand and embrace my flaws to the point that I no longer see them as flaws at all, merely a part of what is “me”. It is only by loving myself, just the way I am, that I can move forward in life, evolve and grow, and finally find happiness. True happiness.
I feel such gratitude today towards all of you who have been in my life, long and short parts of it, and decided to stay in it and continue with me on my life journey. Thank you all for that.