The last few weeks have been a steady stream of crap! I spend all my energy and will power over the weekend cleansing mind, body and soul from the negativity that accumulates during the work week. I try to wind down and catch up on sleep. By Sunday night I am finally calm and centred enough to get a full nights rest but as soon as I’m back in the office Monday it is hell all over again because some sad, bitter person, who clearly doesn’t have enough love and happiness in their life, throws some shit fit or other.
And then most of the week is spent mediating, fire fighting and slowly getting everyone back to a collaborative state of mind and some sort of kumbaya moment is usually the week finally. All the while, everything I needed to get done has been put aside and piled up. I’m exhausted and emotionally drained and get home to start the hard work it is to rebuild myself, find joy in life and get back to a somewhat grounded state again.
Then Groundhog week starts over again Monday. Wake up. Rinse and repeat.
The more I think about how miserable this state of life is, how incredibly meaningless it is to live a life like this, I come to realise that it is not what I want for myself anymore.
But I don’t know how to get off of this ride. I don’t have the strength, or the courage, to take the leap! Where would I go? What would I do? I am scared of being lonely. I’m scared I will fail and end up regretting giving up what I have. It may not be much and it may not be a happy place but at least it’s a place. And one that I know and understand, even if I don’t like it. I am scared I’ll risk and lose everything I’ve built for myself to date.
It’s not great and I’m not happy but it’s better than nothing… Or is it?