It’s been 10 days or so since my last post, which lately is a long time for me not to be writing. I have been very low and in a darker place than I have for a long time. The last four weeks or so just going steadily down, back to where I was before I started re-assessing my life (myself) and work on self-improvement four months ago. It has been disappointing and it has been difficult not to beat myself up for “failing”. Failing myself. Failing others. I know that is not constructive but it is hard to shed a lifetime of guilt and shame over not being able to cope. Over not being [good or strong] enough.
I have been writing a little, as it does help me but my writing has been very dark and unstructured. More venting than anything. Not able to sort things out, analyse and find the strength to do the right thing. I am nowhere near back where I was 3-4 weeks ago, before I started falling. I am still frail as hell and it is like walking a tight rope over an abyss, with the constant fear that the slightest gust of wind will make me lose my balance and plummet back into that deep black hole. So I have tried to shield myself and block myself off a bit, from friends even, though in the long term I know that is the opposite of what I need. But when I start taking my pain out on the people I love, I have no other choice because that is one last barrier that I do not want to cross (again)!
That’d be the point of no return and losing what little dignity I have left. If I let myself do that to others I think I will completely give up and not be able to get back up.
After spending all Saturday in bed (literally) with the covers over my head (metaphorically), wallowing in self-pity just being depressed and Sunday I even blew my bike friend off and skipped my morning ride in the mountains for the first time in forever. That was bad. So I gathered all my energy, what little I could scrape together and went for an 8-mi hike. I chose a path that I knew would be in the forest, dark and deserted and I only saw two other people on the whole walk. And a couple up at Hiker’s Hut viewpoint that came up another trail. It was just what I needed and it helped me breathe again. But I took a pretty bad fall and I have an awful pain in my neck now, since 2-3 days. I tripped on a root and I was lucky in a way that I didn’t fall off the side of the rail, down into the debris from a storm a few years back which could have ended a lot worse. But it was a weird fall. Instead of stumbling and falling forward, able to protect myself with my hands, it was like my feet were just swept away from under me, and I feel flat like a fir. I can’t help but think “it must have been the Trolls”. 🙂 It knocked the wind out of me and the impact was so hard I could feel it in my spine and up through my neck, which just snapped. Imagine it was a bit of a whiplash and that’s why I am so sore now. But it is getting better and hopefully by Saturday when I am getting on that plane it will be OK again.
Monday started off awful again. Just the anticipation of “what shit is going to hit the fan today” I guess is what made me all tense and of course, not able to sleep through the night without waking up, full of anxiety and with a racing heart. Monday night I barely slept at all, being up from 1.00 am not able to go back to sleep until close to 4.30, so Tuesday was a wash of course. But it has been getting a little better each day and I am now at a place where I am starting to feel productive and constructive and finding some inspiration. Yesterday I knocked a ton of stuff off my list and I am almost caught up and starting to feel like I may actually get everything ready for my trip. So I finally slept last night! Of course I woke up a couple of times but at least I was able to meditate a little, breathe and not let that tidal wave of anxiety over “all the things I haven’t done” wash over me and sweep me away. I could turn back over and go back to sleep and that to me feels like an incredible victory at this point! It’s been at least two weeks where I haven’t been able to do that and I haven’t slept more than 4-5 hours and I don’t function like that. Needless to say I am not running at al at the moment but I am slowly starting to feel the urge and I think that I will go for a short one this evening. I hope I can! I hope I will be able to because it will help me get a little stronger again and I know that if I do, I will be getting one step up on the long ladder that I now have in front of me, climbing back up to that wonderful place of being able to let go and feeling balanced and grounded again.
I am starting to be able to analyse the situation and assess the environment I am in as well. To figure out why I have been sinking deeper and deeper over the last few weeks. I have realised it is not only me but the environment in which I spend most of my time during the week, and the people in it. I had a nice long chat with a new acquaintance yesterday, who is going through some similar, yet different stuff in her life, and who has come to the same conclusion: it is a toxic environment, full of bitches and bullies. A different kind of Troll. And the best thing we can do is look out for one another and do what we can not to allow that to drag us down. Not allow ourselves to become them. But it is hard when you are on the receiving end of so many nasty, yet completely unnecessary escalations and even personal attacks. It baffles me why people get so caught up in work stuff that they don’t see that they are hurting people, or even seem to care or recognise that we are all human beings. Only human beings. Not supermen. I won’t go too deep into it because there is no point and I don’t want to let that toxicity creep up on me and throw me off again. It suffices to say that I see how draining these situations are, and I know that I will have to stay clear of them because I cannot afford to waste my energy on that shit. It may come back to bite me because I am expected to manage a lot of these situations but so be it. Work is no longer the most important thing in my life and I really don’t care anymore if it does.
I have one life and I chose to live it. I chose to be happy rather than “successful”. I chose to look at myself in the mirror and like the look of the person smiling back at me.